How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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