He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
