Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
