i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
