why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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