saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just found puke in my bra..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
