I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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