the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
