I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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