Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
