i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
