I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
