I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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