Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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