3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Too much gin, very little bucket
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.