Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
