we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
