i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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