I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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