yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
