my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
