Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
