Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
