Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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