did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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