i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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