I think my fart just growled at me.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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