operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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