I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
