Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
