Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
My breasts were aching with rage.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
