I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
