oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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