you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
