I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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