dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
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When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
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Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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