Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
