Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
