her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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