you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
