please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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