Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
