my vag is so smooth its legendary
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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