She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
