hotel room ftw
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
