Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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