do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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