if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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