Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
