i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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