So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
