Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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