I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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