I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
