my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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