I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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