Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
