my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
