i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
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Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
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I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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